Marathon Training Week 6 Wrap Up

Week six wore me out.

I know that not every run is going to be a great run and I know that not every training week is going to be a great week, but man. This one kicked my booty.

Sunday – 10 miles (10:48 avg pace)

After much debate, B wound up dropping me off and I ran this 10 mile run as a point-to-point. I really like being able to do that from time to time though I know it’s boring for him to do that and wait around on me while I run. It was a gorgeous day and though I was tired, tired, tired, the run went by remarkably quickly. I went by several of my favorite sights along the way and remarked (as usual) about how rapidly the city is changing. I’ve been walking, running, or cycling, by the smiley-face graffiti for the past 8 or 9 years…. it used to be just on one of building after building of graffiti art, but now the building it’s on is the last building standing. Everything else has been torn down and condos are being built in it’s place. Gentrification makes me kind of sad.

Monday – 4 miles (11:14 avg pace)

I woke up Monday morning and was a total weenie – it was around 40 degrees outside and dark and I just could not make myself bundle up and get out in it. So I hopped on the treadmill and called it a day. I’ve noticed that my Garmin in no way whatsoever matches up with the treadmill’s distance. I had the treadmill set on 5.5 mph – a 10:55 min mile. My watch registered everything from 11:45 to 10:30. ?!? I need to read up on if there’s a way to calibrate it. The watch, I mean, not my treadmill. (Anybody else run in the dark on the treadmill? I have a TV in front of it but some mornings I just am not awake enough for that!)

Tuesday – rest

I had scheduled speed work on Tuesday but there was no way in the world it was going to happen. I’d worked from 7am to 6pm on Monday and had another long day ahead of me on Tuesday so I was like NOPE. Rest day!

Wednesday – 13 miles (11:04 avg pace)

How to fuck up a run in 20 easy steps:

  1. Map out your 6 mile run using onthegomap in an area that you’ve never been to before.
  2. Write turn by turn directions on your hand in ink pen, do not notate any distances.
  3. Drive to the ‘start’ you picked out and ensure that there is no cell phone signal on either of your phones.
  4. Set out optimistically.
  5. At a Y-intersection go with your gut, even though you know that your gut is always wrong. Stand there and debate: if your gut says go left, should you go right instead because your gut is always wrong? Or wait, if your gut says your gut is wrong then right is wrong is left is right, correct?
  6. Proceed to run almost 3 miles in the complete wrong direction.
  7. Wonder periodically where the roads are that you’re watching for that you were supposed to turn on. Keep going anyway.
  8. Turn on the first road to the right that you possibly can for no reason other than “it feels right”.
  9. Go ahead and run another mile until that road dead ends at a state highway.
  10. Walk along the state highway until you finally get a dot of signal on your phone.
  11. Call your husband and calmly say “I need you to pull up a map for me – I have no idea where I am”
  12. Argue with your husband about whether he should come rescue you, despite it being really really far away.
  13. Decide the best bet is to retrace your steps. All SEVEN MILES worth of them.
  14. Kick yourself for being stupid.
  15. Kick yourself for not bringing extra food and water.
  16. Spend a mile moping around walking along the stupid highway back to the road you need to go back on. Decide to keep moping, but start running again. But definitely keep moping.
  17. Rush because you realize you have a conference call in just over an hour that you organized and you have to call in to.
  18. Arrive back at your car with 5 minutes to spare, moments after your watch buzzed for THIRTEEN MILES.
  19. Proceed to eat all the things.
  20. Text your husband and tell him that you survived and go ahead and have an argument about how you should have let him rescue you but didn’t.

Thursday – 3.5 miles (11:05 avg pace)

So on top of accidentally running a half marathon yesterday, B and I went to a concert last night and I’m 100% exhausted today. Today was supposed to be my Tempo run but NOPE. I need a short recovery run and I need to call it a day. I did 3.5 miles around a nearby park and even treated myself to my newest pair of Brooks. I’m hitting around 200 miles on the black pair and like to introduce the next pair as I phase that older pair out over the next couple of months. I usually get about 300 miles out of a pair and then keep them for walking or for beach trips (sand always ruins shoes for me!) or for muddy days/yard work.

Friday – 4 miles (tempo progression) (9:47 avg pace)

Sooooo a few things:

  1. This was supposed to be a shortened tempo run with a warm up mile and 3 at 9:44. I did the first mile ok and then missed the mark on the second mile so I kicked it into gear and went too fast for the third mile so then I said to heck with it and went even faster for the fourth mile and wrapped up even faster for the last little bit. So not a tempo run.
  2. It was FORTY FOUR degrees out! Omg. Long sleeves and gloves and ear warmer time. I know. I whine about the heat but dread the cold. Honestly, I’d take heat any day over cold. Cold hurts.
  3. I almost made a animal shape with my route. So close! It’s sort of llama-y or giraffe-y if you get a little abstract with it, right?
  4. I found 6 cents. B and I tend to find an unusual amount of change on the streets in our neighborhood. My guess is it’s because we’re in one of those communities nestled between an elementary and middle school so lots of kids walk to/from school. I think they drop change. B thinks it’s because of all of the construction and vehicles and workers.. maybe they’re dropping change? Who knows. The best I found once was a $50 gift card to Target so believe me: we look for treasures!

Saturday – 6 miles (10:50 avg pace)

Does anyone else spend WAY too much time trying to decide where to go run? Road or Trail? Walking path or sidewalk? Busy area or farmland? State park or local park? Neighborhood or someone else’s neighborhood? It’s ridiculous!!

I finally settled this morning on a route that included walking path, roads and trails.. the trifecta in 6 miles. But I was sooooo not feeling it. About a mile in I felt really tired and really lightheaded. I stopped for a few minutes about halfway and ate a few cliffbar chew things just to try to get some carbs in and make the world settle down. It wasn’t hot out, I wasn’t dehydrated, I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t sore. I don’t know. Just wasn’t feeling great. My heart rate was a-okay too – between 100 and 150. No idea. Anyway, after my snack I perked up and finished out the run feeling alright. It’s a nice day out – cool and sunny. It’s funny how we don’t really get too many lovely fall colors here… it’s green then copper then brown. Rarely do you see stunning reds and yellows and oranges. Next weekend I’m running a half in an area that should have some nice colors though. Looking forward to that.

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SO yeah. Not the greatest week. I still am shaking my head at myself for accidentally running 13 miles on Wednesday. I think that’s still wearing me out a little bit. Work is also a factor – it’s been busy this week and honestly the next month is uber-overwhelming. My mantra right now is “just get to thanksgiving and it’ll all be alright”.

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Post Op Day 568

Exhausted thoughts:

  • I don’t enjoy concerts anymore. I used to. I used to LOVE them – I lived for the energy I got from singing screaming my favorite songs with a few hundred or thousand other people. I lived for the rush of lining up and running into a venue to get in the front, right up against the barricade. I loved it. When B and I started dating I was in the thick of this love affair with music and concerts and that’s part of what he loved about me. I had this attitude that being out all night at shows was ‘living’ and anyone who needed to or wanted to be home was missing out on something spectacular. In the past 2-3 years I’ve done a 180 and can’t stand to go to concerts anymore. I’m bored at them. I feel unsafe if I’m on the floor in the thick of the crowd getting jostled and stepped on and brushed up against. I’m often tired at them and feel like a zombie the next day. There’s at least 10 other things I could spend the cost of the ticket on. I’ve most certainly let B down in this regard. He still loves concerts but doesn’t go as much as he wants to. When he drags me along I beg for us to get seats so I can sit down and come/go as I please during the show. I feel like a let down. Like an old lady wet blanket ruining his fun.
  • A line from an audio book I’ve listened to recently keeps standing out to me: “I refused to show him who I was but then was angry that he didn’t know me.”
  • During the concert last night I was observing people and as usual noted things like: “I’m not that enthusiastic about anything ever” and “They have so much energy” and “I wish I liked anything as much as that person likes this song.” Rationally I think I can place some blame on the anti-depressants I take. They level me out to a decent degree. But in exchange for pulling me up out of the depths of darkness where I can’t function, they take away most (if not all) enthusiasm and energy for frivolity. I can’t tell you the last time I felt happy. I’m honestly sitting here racking my memory. When was I happy? I’m sometimes pleased about something. Sometimes satisfied or proud. But happy? Full of energy and excitement? No.
  • When I think about that, I have to talk myself down from discontinuing taking them. But rationally I know this trade off is still better than the low low lows that come with the happy.
  • My legs are so freaking tired. I can’t believe I accidentally ran 13 miles yesterday. I’m such an idiot. I got lost. More on that in my end of week marathoning post. I’m rolling my eyes at my self.
  • We got home at 2am last night and I had to be up for a work thing at 7. Granted I’m working from home but still. Five hours of sleep does not a happy me make.
  • On Tuesday, a colleague asked me what my “long term goals” are. And I was like: “I dunno.” I truly don’t have any. He was able to recite off his plan – work and personal life – for the next decade. Granted I know plans are plans are schlams, but still. He has direction. I have zip zilch nada. It kind of scares me because I can’t picture it. I can’t picture next year much less 3 or 5 or 10 years down the road. I just don’t have the energy or desire or drive, I guess, to look that far ahead but I feel like I need to. Like B and I need to. I mentioned this to him on Tuesday night and he snapped at me that he could barely think beyond this week and next month and could I please not talk about next year or further out. Sigh.
  • My ears are still ringing. Add that to the list of things I can’t stand about concerts.
  • I picked up a book recently to keep in the car that has tons of “odds” in it. Like, what are the odds you’ll die from falling off of something. Or what at the odds that someone believes in UFOs. Or what are the odds that you’re right handed. Stuff like that. There’s a whole section on sex and I was sharing some of these last night in the car. The odds were something like 1 in 1.2 that a man has thought about sex during any given day. But the odds that a woman has was something like 1 in 7. B was like: “No! That can’t be true! Would you say that’s true – that the odds are so much lower for a woman to be thinking about sex?” and I was like YEP. Totally true. I can add this two lists: 1) ways in which I’m an old lady wet blanket and 2) side effects of anti-depressants. I truly could not tell you the last time I thought about sex as something I wanted versus something I do to keep B happy. Which sounds AWFUL I know. What is wrong with me?!?!?!??!?!
  • Yesterday, my nutritionist sent me a link to a PDF on bariatric patients who turn into endurance athletes and the nutrition/hydration challenges that they face. It included nothing I didn’t already know and don’t already deal with. Like, needing to up water intake but not being able to swallow more than 5-7 sips at a time. Or needing carbs on a long run and not being able to tolerate more than 20g or so at a time without feeling nauseous. Made me think that there’s an opportunity there to share what I’ve learned. She noted that there’s very little research or information for nutritionists on this topic. Apparently a super low percent of post-op patients turn into “endurance athletes” (which they categorized as running or training for marathon distance) – something like less than 6%. But we do exist! And it’d be so helpful to have support/guidelines. Something to think about anyway.
  • I bought a 32C sports bra recently that mostly feels like a vice grip around my torso. I also bought a 34C and when I wear it I can still tuck my boobs into my waistband so that’s annoying. I bought a pair of size 6 jeans recently and can’t keep them up – the waist is too big. I ordered a pair of size 4 jeans from GAP and they’re so tight I can barely walk in them and they give me a skin-saggy muffin top. I bought a consignment size 10 dress recently that fits in the boob area but needs 3-4 inches taken in around the waist. I have a nearly identical size 8 dress hanging in my closet that I can’t zip up. I bought an extra-small nike long sleeve running top the other day, but a size 10 lululemon jacket I bought last year on clearance at an outlet still will barely zip up. Even after losing a zillion pounds, I still HATE shopping and I hate clothes and I hate trying to find things that fit and I still try on at least 6 different things every morning before putting on the same black trousers or skirt and 1 of 3 tops I like to wear.
  • I’m so positive, aren’t I?
  • Oh! I’ll end this ultra-positive and optimistic post with something that makes me happy. This dog riding a horse. That makes me happy:

 

Post Op Day 567 (week 81 stats)

A week in bullets:

  • 169 this morning so that’s a 1 pound gain over last week. And super annoying as per usual because I weighed 166 Sunday morning (I pretty regularly avoid the scales but do often do a ‘mid week’ check in once on the weekend).
  • Whatever. Maintaining is maintaining.
  • The past two days I’ve felt like I’ve been underwater, drowning and drained of energy/will to live. I really do hate work sometimes a lot of the time.
  • I can’t decide if it’s stress at home, stress at work, physical fatigue, etc etc etc or what but I’m second guessing my marathoning aspirations and my recent invite to join a Ragnar team in March. Right now, this morning, those things sound like the last things I want to do.
  • Well not last. Working today is the last thing I want to do.
  • B’s surgery is 2.5 weeks away and I’m really anxious about it. He is too. He’s also dealing with some other medical stuff at the moment that makes everything feel like it’s teetering on the edge. I know that him having the surgery on his foot is the best long term solution. But the short term is going to be hard. Two weeks in an immobilized soft cast with no scooter or very little walking around. Then 6-8 weeks in a hard cast, when thankfully the scooter is allowed. Then 2-4 weeks in a boot with physical therapy. And they’re pretty sure that this will be the first of three surgeries. THREE. The first of THREE. I know that the bulk of all that scooting and casting is something that will impact B more than me, but it does impact our day-to-day drastically.
  • Still no news on my CT scan from Friday and anxiously awaiting my Halloween liver doctor appointment.
  • I’ve decided to try to obtain my parent’s medical records and I’m afraid that is going to be like opening a big can of worms.
  • So other than all of that I’m greeeeeeaaaaaaatttttttttt.

Highest Weight Pre-Op: 331
Surgery Day: 322
One Year (Week 52): 168
18 months (Week 78): 168
Week 79: 166 (-2)
Week 80: 168 (+2)
Week 81: 169 (+1)

Marathon Training Week 5 Wrap Up

screenshot-runplan.training-2017-10-14-16-41-45-802

Another week is in the books. I have to say that this week is the first week that I’ve noticed any difference in my training, speed, and endurance. Guess all those back to back runs are paying off.

Sunday – 6mi trail race (9:42 avg pace) You may be looking at the picture above and wondering – that was a trail run?! Why yes, it was. And a rainy one at that. I’m kind of digging the highly stylized photos (free!) that they took at the race. It was the dreariest and most humid morning ever so at least the photographer made it look super dramatic. 🙂 I want to say “the race went well” and it did, but by golly my heart rate was sky high and by mile 5 I felt like I was dying. I tried to “hold back” the first 3 miles and run nice and steady between 9:45 and 10:00 and I managed to. The trail was in no way technical and was mostly flat so I was feeling really good. At the half way mark I felt like I could hang on to that pace and wound up running those at 9:33 and 9:52. I was over it by mile 5 though. Seriously. My legs felt like lead and I wound up popping 5 or 6 jelly beans I had put in a baggie and hoped they’d perk me up. I trodded on into the finish with 9:29 for the last mile. Why did it feel so freaking hard? Why was my heart rate so high? UGH! Rationally, I can identify reasons:

  1. This was day 4 of back to back runs. My legs were tired.
  2. It was literally 100% humidity outside and around 80 degrees. Thank goodness for the drizzle of rain that was happening. But humidity can def impact HR.
  3. I wore my waterproof Salomon’s thinking I’d need them (the trails are notorious for flooding) and by mile 2 or 3 I knew I had blisters on the arches of both feet. So much for trying to keep my feet dry and keep them from developing blisters! ha!
  4. I’ve said this for all of the races in this series – the folks who run the races organized by this particular company was FRIGGING FAST. That definitely ups the race nerves for me. I still can’t get my head around being in the top half of the pack.. I still see myself as possibly not making a cut off time!

Monday – 4mi easy (10:44 avg pace) Ahh.. the run that almost didn’t happen. This one kept getting bumped and bumped and suddenly it was 6pm and nearly dark outside and I knew if I didn’t go right then it wasn’t going to happen. So out the door I went to knock this one out. Nothing too remarkable at all. Just getting those easy miles done.

Tuesday – 400s, 4mi total including warm-up (9:56 avg pace) So I learned a few valuable things today:

  1. I learned that an actual track that is open to the public is nearly impossible to find. I tried multiple places and they were all locked up or you needed a college ID to get in. Sigh.
  2. I learned that it is possible to do a track workout on the sidewalk and Garmin does a good job of buzzing at .25 mile intervals and lapping to help you keep track.
  3. I learned that somehow the university I was running near still has AMAZING flowers in October and the houses surrounding the campus are super Halloween-y. I love it.
  4. I learned that I don’t think I actually know how to do a “12×400” workout because I’m pretty sure I did it wrong.
  5. What I did was 400 “on” (running at my target pace aiming for .25mi in 2:09) and 400 “off” (recovering) and repeating that for 12 total (6 “on” and 6 “off”).
  6. I think what I was supposed to do was run 400 “on” and then literally stand still and rest/recover for 60-90 seconds then run another 400 “on” and then literally rest and then run another 400 “on”. Running ultimately 12 “on” times.
  7. I learned that hitting 2:09 – an 8:24min/mile pace is hard – you can see that I was close several times but only actually was right at it once.

PhotoGrid_1507663614783 Wednesday – Rest

Thursday – Tempo 7mi (9:52 avg pace)

HOLY SMOKES. Fastest 7mi run ever according to Smash Run. Woo Hoo! I beat last weeks tempo run by 2 seconds per mile.

I was aiming for a warm up mile (easy 10:30-11:30 pace) and 6 tempo miles at 9:44. Just about nailed it. Some a smidge too fast but a couple very nearly spot on. Can we just pause for a moment here and acknowledge the fact that a year ago I could not run more than 3 miles in one single stretch? And that those miles were typically in the 12:00-13:00 min/mile range? About this time last year I was plowing through the c210k app and working on 2-3 mile runs that were building up to 1 hour, which at the time was somewhere around 5 miles. I remember doing 4-5mi in an hour in January during a few work trips on hotel gyms. But I stuck with it and moved on to the 21k trainer app and haven’t looked back. It’s astounding to me what I’ve accomplished. Literally: never in my life have I run this fast. Nor for the duration that I do nowadays regularly. And to have my heart rate in zone 3 and 4 (out of 5, granted) for the bulk of this run is shocking. I’m doing it! I’m getting stronger and faster!! I felt GREAT on this run. I think it was partly due to the overcast skies and darn near fall weather – only 85% humidity! That’s almost cold! haha

Friday – 6 miles easy (10:39 avg pace)

At the start of this run I texted B a picture that said ‘this is my pretending that I want to go run face’. Buttttttt…. I was rewarded!! Check out the creepy Halloween yard below. I had to stop and take pictures. Lifesize bad guys! Totally digging it and made those miles worth it.

Saturday – 8 miles easy (10:34 avg pace)

Let me just tell you… legs were tired this morning! Tired, I tell you! But even with tired legs I could not keep my pace in check. I kept wanting to go about 30 seconds per mile faster than I am supposed to for my ‘easy’ pace. I was just in the groove, I guess. I kept trying to reign it in though, know that I’d pay for it on tomorrow’s run if I ran too fast today. Today’s run was nothing exciting – just an out and back through the ‘hood.

Post Op Day 562

So it turns out that when you have an ultrasound of your liver performed and they don’t like the look of it they call you back in for a CT Scan. Or, at least that’s what happened to me anyway.

I had my ultrasound performed on Monday morning. The results I received today include things like “The liver has two ill-defined area of hypoechogenicity measuring up to 1 x 1.3 cm and 1.4 x 1.1 cm” which means I don’t know what exactly. Scarring? A lesion? I dunno. They don’t know either. And the results included other things like “evidence of granulomas disease” which is an immunodeficiency hereditary thing and is indicative of inflammation and I’m honestly not surprised at all. The results also indicated evidence of gallstones or gallstone disease but I have no symptoms nor a blockage.

Regardless: Not exactly good news.

Regardless: I really don’t understand most of what that all means.

When I got the call this afternoon to go in for the CT Scan – today, if possible – it felt like: “this is the beginning”. This is where it starts. I don’t know yet where it all leads but that call and the sense of urgency and more appointments and more tests and more scans and more and more and more. You know how you just feel something in your bones sometimes? Some truth that can’t be or won’t be ignored? Something you just instinctively understand with certainty? I felt it then, grounded me in place, I just know.

It’s funny, too, that this happened today. I’d just finished my run and had spent a lot of it thinking about my mom. I ran in a community this morning that I don’t go to all that much anymore but used to spend a lot of time in. Every fall they have an enormous Halloween thing and the main street closes to cars and there’s vendors and food trucks and businesses handing out candy. There’s a pumpkin patch, and warm cider and lots of scarecrows and haybales, and it’s sort of like Stars Hollow for just a moment. A long time ago my mom and I went… this had to be around 1999. I felt enormous and fat and remember nothing fitting me (funny how I can always remember how fat I felt!), but I remember that she was radiant. I took pictures of her that day – and she almost always refused to have her picture taken, but she gave in. I could see her today, still sitting there on the concrete bench where I made her sit and pose. I could see her walking along main street. I remember it all fondly.

She would have been almost 50 on that day. When she was about the age I am now, I was 9 years old. I didn’t “know” her yet as a person, only as my mom then. But I remember her vibrancy and her desire to be outside exercising and her ability to befriend absolutely everyone. I remember how I’d sometimes get to go walk with her and how those were my favorite times to talk to her. She always said “I’m going to be young forever” and since she died it’s a phrase that I’m careful not to say. I have no desire to “stay young” or “be young” – in fact, I’ve always felt like I’m wayyyyy older than I actually am.  But not her – she exuded youth and energy. By the time she was 50 I was 19 and just beginning to see her as a person who was something other than my mom – someone with her own feelings and hopes and plans.

On the Halloween day I was thinking of she would have been literally 2 or 3 months away from the leg injury that started the cascade of issues that eventually she died from. One misstep off a ladder and boom: the next decade of her life changes entirely and she gets to fulfill that statement: she got to be young forever. I wondered today about that moment. Did she know? Did she feel it like I did today? That certainty that this is it. This is the thing that is going to change the next decade of my life?

Part of me wants to say: Stop this. You’re being silly. You’re being overdramatic. You know nothing yet. This is soooo not a big deal. Wait and see what they say.

But in reality, I’m not being silly nor am I upset or being dramatic about it. I just know. I feel it deep down and I feel like all of this is just a process to put a name or a diagnosis on something. I feel like I’ve known for years. Could I say with certainty what “it” is? No. But I’ve had things all my life pointing to autoimmune disease and immunodeficiency and it’s literally in my blood. The evidence is simply getting more conclusive.

In the meantime I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. Exercising and eating the best that I can. I’m going to keep taking my pills and getting up and going to sleep. I’m going to hug B a little tighter and I’m going to call my brother. I’m going to just keep on keeping on.

Post Op Day 560 (week 80 stats)

Annd… we’re right back to 168 this morning. I was either 166 or 167 all week but not this morning. Ah well…. It’s still good.

Random things from this week:

  • CHOCOLATE DONUT CAKE BITES. You need these in your life.
  • I saw my nutritionist yesterday. We talked a lot about my diet and working out/running and we also talked a lot about psoriasis and the “psoriasis diet” and she encouraged me to give it a shot and to also add probiotics to my life. She recommended the Bariatric Advantage chewable ones so I’ve ordered those and committed to trying it for 3 months. She also suggested adding in Benefiber once a day since ‘fiber rich foods’ are a staple of the psoriasis diet and it’s hard to get enough fiber post-op when you live the protein-first lifestyle.
  • I had my ultrasound on Monday of my liver and still know nothing about what the ultrasound showed. I have my first appointment with the heptologist on Halloween (spooky!) so I’ll definitely know more then. But fingers crossed the radiologist report is posted on the patient portal before then so Dr. Google and I can read over it.
  • So I did a little side-by-side (my favorite) of myself during the race on Sunday morning and a picture from my first race back in February of this year. I weigh the exact same thing but dang the amount of fat I’ve lost (all in my boobs, ha!) and muscle I’ve gained is super evident. Take that, Mister Scale.
  • I saw this and was like “awww fuuuuuuuuckkkkk…..” Damn those Halo Top people for making tasty treats that I need to try but I know will still upset my tummy if I eat more than a few spoonfuls.
  • I got my engagement and wedding ring resized for the second time in 18 months this week. It went from a ring size NINE to a SIX. How nuts is that?!?!

Recap:

Highest Weight Pre-Op: 331
Surgery Day: 322
One Year (Week 52): 168
18 months (Week 78): 168
Week 79: 166 (-2)
Week 80: 168 (+2)

Post Op Day 558

“You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed.”

I saw that quote this evening. It was on an old Twitter profile of mine from 2012. It was one of only three tweets that I had kept when I deleted the majority of tweets from that account. Interestingly, I posted it on October 9th 2012. 5 years ago today.

I’ve kept journals, both on and offline versions, and I’ve had numerous blogs and profiles on just about every type of site you can imagine. I don’t often go back and read through these, and it was just by chance tonight that I saw that old profile and I saw that particular tweet capturing a quote from someone else’s blog that is long gone.

I think it was meant to be though.

I’ve spent a lot of the day a little bit worried about my liver and I spent a lot of yesterday tearing apart pictures of myself from my race. I also have my appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow so I have been paying closer attention than usual to what I’ve been eating so that I can share with her truthfully. I also had my annual review today where we did analyze my work and identify where I need to spend energy improving next year. I also spent a lot of the weekend trying on clothes that are in my closet, which is as frustrating as it is rewarding.

All that to say, I’ve spent – or perhaps spend – a fair amount of time thinking about all of the ways in which I still need to be fixed and all of the ways in which I see myself as most definitely broken.

So it’s comforting in some strange way to know that five years ago to the day I must have been thinking about or reading something that made me feel like I needed to tell myself that I am not broken and that I do not need to be fixed. Something must have made me type those words and remind myself that despite my many flaws and many opportunities for growth — none of those things represent a brokenness.

I don’t remember all of the things that I was doing in October of 2012, and 5 years from now I probably won’t remember all of the details of October 2017 either. But I do hope that regardless of all of the details, I can recall feeling that all of those things I worry and fret about are just simply part of who I am. Imperfect and in-progress and constantly changing.